Well, this is my very first blog. I've had journals before, but never a blog. So, this should be a fun interesting experience and look into my life, deepest darkest secrets, and whatever else I bother to put up in here. So...enjoy looking into it?
February 5, 2010
It's very odd today... I got to hang out with my Boyfriend. We seemed to be having a good fun time and everything. then we started playing Left 4 Dead 2 with my Best Friend on the Xbox Live thing. After like not even five minutes of her being on, him talking to her through the headset, and I doing my best on the game I don't play often (except when I'm hanging out with one of them) and a game I personally do not own, I began to feel very alone and lonely though my boyfriend was about three feet away from me on the couch. I also began to feel very...unwanted. I was confused upon my feeling this. So, I asked my best friend through text if she thought it was weird. And she told me no. And yet, I continued to sit there feeling baffled at myself. Of course I don't really want to say anything to him about it because he's either tell me that I'm being stupid or would completely ignore me like he does with most of my serious conversations. Not only that I don't have the guts to say that let alone hardly anything around him because I don't want to make him angry or frustrated, or anything at me. I feel like a horrible girlfriend and am not sure upon what to do...I do what I can hoping to make him happy but...it just doesn't seem to work at all. And I can't help but wonder why? I wish I knew. But I'm sure I won't figure it out... It makes no sense that we used to be so close and now it seems as though it was nothing... Sometimes that closeness shows through, rarely. Most of the time it's like we're not even dating... I also think that I might be becoming quite jealous every once in a while...My bestfriend gets to see my boyfriend quite a bit more than I do. Though she seem to think differently, it's the truth. She sees him at times 3+ times a week to where I get to see him twice on a good week. I understand that people can become busy and all...but when I'm hanging out with the both of them he just seems so much more happy around her than he does with me... I wonder 'is it just me?' Or if there's something I'm just not getting? God, I haven't cried like this is so long...But it's hard for me not to when I think about this... It makes me so angry at myself. On the 13th it will be our three months. The end of the Honeymoon phase. It didn't seem that super special to me... I just hope that this is just something that'll pass... Hopefully... And though I don't want him to read this because it'll seem like I'm just whining and being stupid...but he needs to...I guess... Another year...Another craptastic point in it. One of many to come before the year is over...Hopefully more joyous occasions will be on the way. :3 One can always hope. Maybe I'll get to hold his hand sometime soon? ...Heh...A dreamer's fantasy...But hopefully...
Sincerely,
Tori Mitsuki
P.S. Sorry for the most craptasticly sad rant on my troubles! Writing seems to be one of the few ways to make me feel better... Heh! :3
