It's been over nine months and there really isn't much going on now between us. We rarely if ever hang out, rarely if ever talk, we've only held hands twice, and I feel as if he doesn't even care anymore. There are some things I've wanted to say to him and to her...but I can't bring myself to say them out loud. So, I'm going to say it here.
My dear, I don't understand what happened to you. I know that we're all good friends and all but, you and her hang out more than you and I. I'm admitting it, I'm jealous, I'm angry, and I'm very upset. I can hide behind a smile and words just as well as a statue. But these things need to be said. Relationships are about communication, trust, and love. Communication doesn't happen, I'm not sure that you trust me enough, nor am I sure that you love me. The only way I've been able to explain how I feel is as simple as this: I feel like a piece of baggage that you don't want to carry around. So, you set me down and leave me somewhere until you want to come back and communicate. I'm tired of being left out, left behind, and ignored. If I'm being a burden say so. Use your words. Yes, I have strong feelings. Yes, I am emotionally very unstable. Yes, I have a fear of rejection. And yes, I wish to be with you. But, if you're not happy say so. We can break up. I miss the days when we were friends, that seems like all we are now. If we break up I'm not going to be a bitch about it all nor am I going to abandon you or what we've done. I'm going to stick by your side as a good friend and take care of what I can. I'm going to finish what we've started and I'm going to stick with it. I love what we do and I'm not going to stop just because of some break up. Friends stick it out. This is our year, we can do this. It's just a matter of patience and time.
Now to her. I'm jealous of you yes. But, I'm not going to give up on you either. You're my best friend and I love you. You're the sister I never had. So, don't abandon me.
Now to another friend, maybe it's true that I don't know what a true relationship is like but, I don't care. A relationship is based on how physically intimate you are with your partner. Yes, it's a nice bonus. But, that's not what it should be about. Just because you have a very nice intimate relationship with your partner doesn't mean that I have to have one with mine. Yes, I establish feelings by touch. But it doesn't have to be an intimate touch. It could be a simple hand shake or a hug. I want to have an intimate relationship yes, but I want to let it grow because of the feelings my partner and I have. I'll hold my partner's hand when we are ready, I'll kiss my partner when we are ready. I'm not going to lose a relationship because I've forced something up my partner. Not worth the fight.
Lately with me, I have been going through more than I really want anyone to know. But, I figure I should explain it now. My headaches and black outs have been getting worse. I've been told that I will never live a normal life until this is brought under control. The neurologist is worried about me because I'm having what he called "forgetful spells". I'll be perfectly fine one minute and then feeling, lost, confused, and scared the next. I won't remember where I am, who am I, or who everyone is around me. There's something wrong with my entire brain. I've been undergoing many tests and I have more to come. I'm being placed under 6 different medications. And I know that I am not myself. I'm fading back into a dark hole that I never wanted to go back to. I'm having suicidal thoughts and am wanting to hurt myself. My emotions are severely swinging out of whack and I'm losing myself. I have a deep depression and I'm struggling to get out of it and to ignore what's going on to focus on the good things. I'm crying for more reasons than I can explain. And I don't know what's happening to me. I'm frustrated and taking it out on people and I am so very sorry for that. Right now I think what I need more than anything is my friend's support and love. I need to be out of my house sometimes so I can focus on everything else in the world rather than myself and what is happening to me. I just need to talk to people, to hang out with people, and to be loved. That's all that I feel that I need. Until this is figured out I know I'm going to be extremely hermit ish. I've been hiding for quite a while and I don't like it at all. Please try to understand. I'm very sorry and wish everyone the best with everything.
Well, that's about all that I really have to say right now. So, yeah. Thanks.
~*Tori*~
