Shall change and challenge us until we become the person we are meant to be.
This weekend was quite interesting and amazing. It really was a good start for the Holiday magic! Around 50 people, all good friends new and old, tons of video gaming, drunks singing, guitar playing, eating, and enjoy each others company! :] It was truly a magical party! I can't even imagine how a Holiday season can really start any better than this. It's one of the few parties I actually get to enjoy with everyone before I take off for three months.
I think it was a little off... But, perfect timing for everything. Well, kinda. My not so romantic romance ended. Haha, not much that I'm going to really miss there. We were friends dragging out something that really didn't belong. I'm sure there are things on both sides of that that were hidden from each other. But, whatever. I just wish that it could have been dealt with sooner. But, I guess timing and horrible communication sucks. Wait, why guess about that... It did! I can only hope that everything from here on out plays out well. If it doesn't? Well, I'll over come it. I've got to be strong. Life isn't easy.
Who would have known that all of this would happen? Surely not me. My life is changing. For better or for worse, I'm still not sure. But, I'll take whatever is thrown at me. And treat it with love and the kindness that everyone that I know has shown me in one way or another. Even if it punches me in the face and knocks me down, I'll still stand up with a look of compassion and take the blows. I'm not afraid anymore...and yet, I am. But, only because I don't understand. I'm trying to understand the future that hasn't even happened yet and that isn't all that close. I have to live in the now and enjoy everything I have and give compassion to what I don't.
I live in the here and now. I live in the moment because I never know if it'll be my last or if I'll ever be able to experience it again. Life is odd like that. If I don't live for myself and others, who is going to live for me and them? Of course they can live for themselves, but I enjoy living right along with them.
Like the party over the weekend? Did I know everyone that was there? No, of course not. But, that doesn't matter. For we all had a good time and lived for ourselves and for each and every person that was there. We'll all remember that party and how awesome it was and all the smile and laughter that came with it.
For the future I hope that I can have another relationship with the person that I wish to have one with. But, if I don't I may feel a bit rejected. As such life carries on and I shall live through it. Even though it would be fantastically nice, I shall live if it doesn't happen. No matter what I'm sure we'll continue to be friends and keep the nights in our memory.
Where do I head from here? Just living each day in stride until I leave in March for boot camp. Where after that? Home. To my friends and family where I belong. Where from there? I'm not sure hopefully close to home, if not well, then I'll constantly visit. :]
For now, I'll just enjoy what life has given me now. Lots of love, cuddles, hugs, kisses, and some of the best support that anyone can ever ask for; friends.
Thank you for everything.
~Tori
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Hear Me Out
It's been over nine months and there really isn't much going on now between us. We rarely if ever hang out, rarely if ever talk, we've only held hands twice, and I feel as if he doesn't even care anymore. There are some things I've wanted to say to him and to her...but I can't bring myself to say them out loud. So, I'm going to say it here.
My dear, I don't understand what happened to you. I know that we're all good friends and all but, you and her hang out more than you and I. I'm admitting it, I'm jealous, I'm angry, and I'm very upset. I can hide behind a smile and words just as well as a statue. But these things need to be said. Relationships are about communication, trust, and love. Communication doesn't happen, I'm not sure that you trust me enough, nor am I sure that you love me. The only way I've been able to explain how I feel is as simple as this: I feel like a piece of baggage that you don't want to carry around. So, you set me down and leave me somewhere until you want to come back and communicate. I'm tired of being left out, left behind, and ignored. If I'm being a burden say so. Use your words. Yes, I have strong feelings. Yes, I am emotionally very unstable. Yes, I have a fear of rejection. And yes, I wish to be with you. But, if you're not happy say so. We can break up. I miss the days when we were friends, that seems like all we are now. If we break up I'm not going to be a bitch about it all nor am I going to abandon you or what we've done. I'm going to stick by your side as a good friend and take care of what I can. I'm going to finish what we've started and I'm going to stick with it. I love what we do and I'm not going to stop just because of some break up. Friends stick it out. This is our year, we can do this. It's just a matter of patience and time.
Now to her. I'm jealous of you yes. But, I'm not going to give up on you either. You're my best friend and I love you. You're the sister I never had. So, don't abandon me.
Now to another friend, maybe it's true that I don't know what a true relationship is like but, I don't care. A relationship is based on how physically intimate you are with your partner. Yes, it's a nice bonus. But, that's not what it should be about. Just because you have a very nice intimate relationship with your partner doesn't mean that I have to have one with mine. Yes, I establish feelings by touch. But it doesn't have to be an intimate touch. It could be a simple hand shake or a hug. I want to have an intimate relationship yes, but I want to let it grow because of the feelings my partner and I have. I'll hold my partner's hand when we are ready, I'll kiss my partner when we are ready. I'm not going to lose a relationship because I've forced something up my partner. Not worth the fight.
Lately with me, I have been going through more than I really want anyone to know. But, I figure I should explain it now. My headaches and black outs have been getting worse. I've been told that I will never live a normal life until this is brought under control. The neurologist is worried about me because I'm having what he called "forgetful spells". I'll be perfectly fine one minute and then feeling, lost, confused, and scared the next. I won't remember where I am, who am I, or who everyone is around me. There's something wrong with my entire brain. I've been undergoing many tests and I have more to come. I'm being placed under 6 different medications. And I know that I am not myself. I'm fading back into a dark hole that I never wanted to go back to. I'm having suicidal thoughts and am wanting to hurt myself. My emotions are severely swinging out of whack and I'm losing myself. I have a deep depression and I'm struggling to get out of it and to ignore what's going on to focus on the good things. I'm crying for more reasons than I can explain. And I don't know what's happening to me. I'm frustrated and taking it out on people and I am so very sorry for that. Right now I think what I need more than anything is my friend's support and love. I need to be out of my house sometimes so I can focus on everything else in the world rather than myself and what is happening to me. I just need to talk to people, to hang out with people, and to be loved. That's all that I feel that I need. Until this is figured out I know I'm going to be extremely hermit ish. I've been hiding for quite a while and I don't like it at all. Please try to understand. I'm very sorry and wish everyone the best with everything.
Well, that's about all that I really have to say right now. So, yeah. Thanks.
~*Tori*~
My dear, I don't understand what happened to you. I know that we're all good friends and all but, you and her hang out more than you and I. I'm admitting it, I'm jealous, I'm angry, and I'm very upset. I can hide behind a smile and words just as well as a statue. But these things need to be said. Relationships are about communication, trust, and love. Communication doesn't happen, I'm not sure that you trust me enough, nor am I sure that you love me. The only way I've been able to explain how I feel is as simple as this: I feel like a piece of baggage that you don't want to carry around. So, you set me down and leave me somewhere until you want to come back and communicate. I'm tired of being left out, left behind, and ignored. If I'm being a burden say so. Use your words. Yes, I have strong feelings. Yes, I am emotionally very unstable. Yes, I have a fear of rejection. And yes, I wish to be with you. But, if you're not happy say so. We can break up. I miss the days when we were friends, that seems like all we are now. If we break up I'm not going to be a bitch about it all nor am I going to abandon you or what we've done. I'm going to stick by your side as a good friend and take care of what I can. I'm going to finish what we've started and I'm going to stick with it. I love what we do and I'm not going to stop just because of some break up. Friends stick it out. This is our year, we can do this. It's just a matter of patience and time.
Now to her. I'm jealous of you yes. But, I'm not going to give up on you either. You're my best friend and I love you. You're the sister I never had. So, don't abandon me.
Now to another friend, maybe it's true that I don't know what a true relationship is like but, I don't care. A relationship is based on how physically intimate you are with your partner. Yes, it's a nice bonus. But, that's not what it should be about. Just because you have a very nice intimate relationship with your partner doesn't mean that I have to have one with mine. Yes, I establish feelings by touch. But it doesn't have to be an intimate touch. It could be a simple hand shake or a hug. I want to have an intimate relationship yes, but I want to let it grow because of the feelings my partner and I have. I'll hold my partner's hand when we are ready, I'll kiss my partner when we are ready. I'm not going to lose a relationship because I've forced something up my partner. Not worth the fight.
Lately with me, I have been going through more than I really want anyone to know. But, I figure I should explain it now. My headaches and black outs have been getting worse. I've been told that I will never live a normal life until this is brought under control. The neurologist is worried about me because I'm having what he called "forgetful spells". I'll be perfectly fine one minute and then feeling, lost, confused, and scared the next. I won't remember where I am, who am I, or who everyone is around me. There's something wrong with my entire brain. I've been undergoing many tests and I have more to come. I'm being placed under 6 different medications. And I know that I am not myself. I'm fading back into a dark hole that I never wanted to go back to. I'm having suicidal thoughts and am wanting to hurt myself. My emotions are severely swinging out of whack and I'm losing myself. I have a deep depression and I'm struggling to get out of it and to ignore what's going on to focus on the good things. I'm crying for more reasons than I can explain. And I don't know what's happening to me. I'm frustrated and taking it out on people and I am so very sorry for that. Right now I think what I need more than anything is my friend's support and love. I need to be out of my house sometimes so I can focus on everything else in the world rather than myself and what is happening to me. I just need to talk to people, to hang out with people, and to be loved. That's all that I feel that I need. Until this is figured out I know I'm going to be extremely hermit ish. I've been hiding for quite a while and I don't like it at all. Please try to understand. I'm very sorry and wish everyone the best with everything.
Well, that's about all that I really have to say right now. So, yeah. Thanks.
~*Tori*~
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Well, now what?
Quite a few people have asked me the basic "well...now what?" question repeatedly in one shape and form in one way or another. Well, I guess I can finally, sort of, answer that question now.
I'm not going to college until, most likely, fall of 2011 or 2012. I have quite a bit of things that I wish to do before I jump right back into the daily lifestyle of schooling. I have a job and will finally have an income and I wish to spend my time currently focusing on what I want out of my life. Which currently is to travel, focus on my fantastic relationship, focus on my friends, focus on work, getting out from under my suffocating parents, finding a place to live downtown with some awesome friends as roomies, and getting my life into some sort of order. Not that it's necessarily in chaos but, I really would like to finish lining up my life's puzzle pieces before I jump into anything. My plan is to do just as I would with a puzzle. It's simple. Take out all of the edge pieces and put them together. In other words: get a solid structure before I jump into the sea of center pieces and figuring out how to place those all together as I find them. I see my life as a completely blank puzzle, every single piece is nothing but a plain white piece. There's no telling how one piece can connect to another. And yet, as I begin to place them together a piece of the image begins to show up on the piece. Rather than getting frustrated I just take it slowly as one thing at a time comes to me. Taking every day one step at a time, taking everything I am given to work with and putting it to good use, and enjoying the little things. It's those small moments like hoola hooping in the middle of a Walmart isle and getting funny looks from everyone that passes by and small comments from those who think you're awesome. Or when one person says something that can be taken dirty and you both smile just because it was funny. Or waking up to those wonderful text messages that say "Good morning! Have a good day!". It's things like that. Things that give you even a tiny smile to your face or a beautiful glint to your eyes. Or even makes you feel some sort of awesome emotion that you can't seem to explain in words. Even though I don't really tend to realize these moments until after they've happened and I remember them for the next few days, it's extremely nice to have those small moments. It's nice to know that I don't have to be afraid to cry in front of someone or to be myself in front of them. To know that I don't have to put on that fake cheesy smile of mine to act like my day has been all peaches and cream and even if I do, it quickly melts away into a sincere smile of extreme joy and happiness. Of love and life. I guess that after years of searching for where I've been, trying to make sense of where I'm am, and working out where I'm going to go...I've figured it out. Where I've been has made me who I am, where I am is every day I live, and where I'm going to go is where ever my heart leads me. I might not have figured out my life just yet but, I don't care. I'm happy where I'm at, who my friends are, who I'm with, and how I live my life. My life, is what it is. Who I am, is what I've created. I am me and that's all I want to be.
With love,
Tori
I'm not going to college until, most likely, fall of 2011 or 2012. I have quite a bit of things that I wish to do before I jump right back into the daily lifestyle of schooling. I have a job and will finally have an income and I wish to spend my time currently focusing on what I want out of my life. Which currently is to travel, focus on my fantastic relationship, focus on my friends, focus on work, getting out from under my suffocating parents, finding a place to live downtown with some awesome friends as roomies, and getting my life into some sort of order. Not that it's necessarily in chaos but, I really would like to finish lining up my life's puzzle pieces before I jump into anything. My plan is to do just as I would with a puzzle. It's simple. Take out all of the edge pieces and put them together. In other words: get a solid structure before I jump into the sea of center pieces and figuring out how to place those all together as I find them. I see my life as a completely blank puzzle, every single piece is nothing but a plain white piece. There's no telling how one piece can connect to another. And yet, as I begin to place them together a piece of the image begins to show up on the piece. Rather than getting frustrated I just take it slowly as one thing at a time comes to me. Taking every day one step at a time, taking everything I am given to work with and putting it to good use, and enjoying the little things. It's those small moments like hoola hooping in the middle of a Walmart isle and getting funny looks from everyone that passes by and small comments from those who think you're awesome. Or when one person says something that can be taken dirty and you both smile just because it was funny. Or waking up to those wonderful text messages that say "Good morning! Have a good day!". It's things like that. Things that give you even a tiny smile to your face or a beautiful glint to your eyes. Or even makes you feel some sort of awesome emotion that you can't seem to explain in words. Even though I don't really tend to realize these moments until after they've happened and I remember them for the next few days, it's extremely nice to have those small moments. It's nice to know that I don't have to be afraid to cry in front of someone or to be myself in front of them. To know that I don't have to put on that fake cheesy smile of mine to act like my day has been all peaches and cream and even if I do, it quickly melts away into a sincere smile of extreme joy and happiness. Of love and life. I guess that after years of searching for where I've been, trying to make sense of where I'm am, and working out where I'm going to go...I've figured it out. Where I've been has made me who I am, where I am is every day I live, and where I'm going to go is where ever my heart leads me. I might not have figured out my life just yet but, I don't care. I'm happy where I'm at, who my friends are, who I'm with, and how I live my life. My life, is what it is. Who I am, is what I've created. I am me and that's all I want to be.
With love,
Tori
Friday, February 5, 2010
First Blog Ever!!
Well, this is my very first blog. I've had journals before, but never a blog. So, this should be a fun interesting experience and look into my life, deepest darkest secrets, and whatever else I bother to put up in here. So...enjoy looking into it?
February 5, 2010
It's very odd today... I got to hang out with my Boyfriend. We seemed to be having a good fun time and everything. then we started playing Left 4 Dead 2 with my Best Friend on the Xbox Live thing. After like not even five minutes of her being on, him talking to her through the headset, and I doing my best on the game I don't play often (except when I'm hanging out with one of them) and a game I personally do not own, I began to feel very alone and lonely though my boyfriend was about three feet away from me on the couch. I also began to feel very...unwanted. I was confused upon my feeling this. So, I asked my best friend through text if she thought it was weird. And she told me no. And yet, I continued to sit there feeling baffled at myself. Of course I don't really want to say anything to him about it because he's either tell me that I'm being stupid or would completely ignore me like he does with most of my serious conversations. Not only that I don't have the guts to say that let alone hardly anything around him because I don't want to make him angry or frustrated, or anything at me. I feel like a horrible girlfriend and am not sure upon what to do...I do what I can hoping to make him happy but...it just doesn't seem to work at all. And I can't help but wonder why? I wish I knew. But I'm sure I won't figure it out... It makes no sense that we used to be so close and now it seems as though it was nothing... Sometimes that closeness shows through, rarely. Most of the time it's like we're not even dating... I also think that I might be becoming quite jealous every once in a while...My bestfriend gets to see my boyfriend quite a bit more than I do. Though she seem to think differently, it's the truth. She sees him at times 3+ times a week to where I get to see him twice on a good week. I understand that people can become busy and all...but when I'm hanging out with the both of them he just seems so much more happy around her than he does with me... I wonder 'is it just me?' Or if there's something I'm just not getting? God, I haven't cried like this is so long...But it's hard for me not to when I think about this... It makes me so angry at myself. On the 13th it will be our three months. The end of the Honeymoon phase. It didn't seem that super special to me... I just hope that this is just something that'll pass... Hopefully... And though I don't want him to read this because it'll seem like I'm just whining and being stupid...but he needs to...I guess... Another year...Another craptastic point in it. One of many to come before the year is over...Hopefully more joyous occasions will be on the way. :3 One can always hope. Maybe I'll get to hold his hand sometime soon? ...Heh...A dreamer's fantasy...But hopefully...
Sincerely,
Tori Mitsuki
P.S. Sorry for the most craptasticly sad rant on my troubles! Writing seems to be one of the few ways to make me feel better... Heh! :3
February 5, 2010
It's very odd today... I got to hang out with my Boyfriend. We seemed to be having a good fun time and everything. then we started playing Left 4 Dead 2 with my Best Friend on the Xbox Live thing. After like not even five minutes of her being on, him talking to her through the headset, and I doing my best on the game I don't play often (except when I'm hanging out with one of them) and a game I personally do not own, I began to feel very alone and lonely though my boyfriend was about three feet away from me on the couch. I also began to feel very...unwanted. I was confused upon my feeling this. So, I asked my best friend through text if she thought it was weird. And she told me no. And yet, I continued to sit there feeling baffled at myself. Of course I don't really want to say anything to him about it because he's either tell me that I'm being stupid or would completely ignore me like he does with most of my serious conversations. Not only that I don't have the guts to say that let alone hardly anything around him because I don't want to make him angry or frustrated, or anything at me. I feel like a horrible girlfriend and am not sure upon what to do...I do what I can hoping to make him happy but...it just doesn't seem to work at all. And I can't help but wonder why? I wish I knew. But I'm sure I won't figure it out... It makes no sense that we used to be so close and now it seems as though it was nothing... Sometimes that closeness shows through, rarely. Most of the time it's like we're not even dating... I also think that I might be becoming quite jealous every once in a while...My bestfriend gets to see my boyfriend quite a bit more than I do. Though she seem to think differently, it's the truth. She sees him at times 3+ times a week to where I get to see him twice on a good week. I understand that people can become busy and all...but when I'm hanging out with the both of them he just seems so much more happy around her than he does with me... I wonder 'is it just me?' Or if there's something I'm just not getting? God, I haven't cried like this is so long...But it's hard for me not to when I think about this... It makes me so angry at myself. On the 13th it will be our three months. The end of the Honeymoon phase. It didn't seem that super special to me... I just hope that this is just something that'll pass... Hopefully... And though I don't want him to read this because it'll seem like I'm just whining and being stupid...but he needs to...I guess... Another year...Another craptastic point in it. One of many to come before the year is over...Hopefully more joyous occasions will be on the way. :3 One can always hope. Maybe I'll get to hold his hand sometime soon? ...Heh...A dreamer's fantasy...But hopefully...
Sincerely,
Tori Mitsuki
P.S. Sorry for the most craptasticly sad rant on my troubles! Writing seems to be one of the few ways to make me feel better... Heh! :3
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